Wednesday, October 5, 2011

It's part of my story

Surrounding me on this October 4th, as I think about baby Liliana we may have had on this day 2 years ago, are others in my life who are grappling with very difficult challenges.  Cancer. Threatened pregnancy. And all kinds of other chaos.  I sit here thinking about how calm my life is at this moment.  How many pieces of my life (our life) are actually going in the direction we've intended.  By no means am I saying the days are easy... just that in perspective, I have a whole lot to be thankful for and I realize how important it is to take a moment and just say 'thank you' for getting me here. To this place where in this moment, things are as I hoped and wished they would be.  I am fully aware that there are ebbs and flows - and while so often the challenging times take precedence, right now - this moment needs to be celebrated.

I am listening to a podcast on cancer - in hopes of finding help for my friend, and this woman is talking about coming to terms with the diagnosis of cancer.  Finding a way to make it a part of your identity.  When I lost Maya and Liliana, I compared my pain to what it must be like to be a cancer patient.  The alone-ness of it.  The isolation and need to help yourself when no one else can.  Being isolated in pain.  And as I came through my losses, I had to realize that I was now that person - the one who had a miscarriage, then two.  I was the mother of a dead baby.  My paperwork will always say 4 pregnancies, 2 children.   Just as someone with cancer has to deal with being "that person" - the one with cancer. The one who's paper work will always say "in remission."

And as I got farther away from the losses,  all the efforts we made to make sense of those times,  all the food changes, all the education, it all changed our life.  And now, our little lost babies are forever a part of our story.  Not painful anymore.  Although I'm still in awe of what I went through.  But I've come to accept it.  And I'm actually happy that I will have two children holding two little pumpkins in honor of their sisters (when I get to take the picture after the rain stops!).  I'm at peace and I'm blessed. And I'm so thankful that I have the perspective of whole food and nutrition, integrative and holistic medicine, and the recognition that we can find answers and cures to what ails us, in raising two kiddos who are going to need these options more than any other generation.  Thank you Maya and Liliana for providing the hope of a long, long life to your sister and brother.

So on this October 4th, I say a big giant prayer, for my friends who are struggling to deal with and accept a new reality.  Who still have a chance at writing their own story and who need a little help in getting there.  My commitment is to be the researcher. Cuz that's what I've to get information on how to heal our bodies.  And to give the message that you will come to terms with your new reality. And someday, in the distant future, you will have a chance to look at how your story unfolded, how it changed you, and how it's become part of your identity.

Happy Birthday Liliana.  I thought of you all day today.