Very soon after Kaelyn's arrival, we decided we not only wanted one child, but maybe even three. I come from a family of 5 and really enjoy having that many siblings. Two feels so lonely and now that I knew I liked having kids...why not?
We wanted to have them really close together, but I just wasn't quite ready till Kaelyn was about 8 months old. We quickly became pregnant again and were bursting at the seems. This pregnancy was a little different - I definitely had morning sickness - I felt hungover all the time. Our due date was estimated at May 13th which was earlier than I thought. Perfect timing though - my dad's birthday is the same day and that was very exciting. Plus, most of my sister's would be done with teaching and we would have plenty of help with the two kiddos thru the summer months. Couldn't have been MORE on plan! I couldn't wait to tell everyone, but our 10 week ultrasound (first one) was scheduled for the week after Kaelyn's first birthday party and two weeks before her actual birthday. So we were going to at least wait till the ultrasound but maybe wait till after her bday - just so we didn't take the attention off of her.
When we went in for the ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. It was devastating but I went immediately into shock. First I rationalized... "I'm so glad I never saw a heartbeat," "I'm so glad I have Kaelyn - she's all I need," "It's okay - it happens alot and we'll just try again." These are all the things you hear from everyone else too. So I went home and had to figure out what I'd have to go thru to have a miscarriage. Well - it wasn't as easy as I thought. I didn't know the cramping was like labor. I didn't want to go through labor. And it might take up to a month to start the process and the process can take days. I just wanted it to be over. So I scheduled a D&C. The doc tells you there are no risks beyond any normal surgical procedure. If they tear the uterus, they can immediately fix it. Sign me up, I thought. So it was over in an hour and I was on my way.
Until I woke up the next day. So sad. For weeks and weeks, I was so so sad. I never imaged it would be this painful - I always imagined you would just move on. But I was no longer pregnant. I no longer had to pee in the middle of the night or felt my growing uterus when I leaned over the counter at the sink.
Luckily because I was curious and asked some dumb questions before the D&C, my doc said that they could run chromosome tests on the baby to see if there were any isses. About 2.5 weeks later, we found out it was Triploidy/Polyspermy. The baby had extra chromosomes b/c the egg was fertilized by two sperm. The doctor made a joke of it and said it would never happen again. Mike had aggressive sperm and two of them "won." And by the way...it was a girl.
Upon my late-night chatting with other women on the internet who were going thru this same horrific experience (Thank GOD for the internet), I found that many of them had named their babies. Why in the world, I thought? So I asked, and they explained how much it was healing for them - it just helped to not have to call it "baby" or "tissue" or "fetus" or whatever. So I considered it. And Mike and I agreed to plant an Olive Tree to remember her by. I liked the name Samuel for a boy and thought we'd use that if it was a boy. But didn't have anything in the pipeline for a girl. One day the name Maya popped into my head. I immediately loved it.
And I really liked that it meant May - the month she was due. So we decided on Maya and now we look at her Olive Tree on the hill in our backyard every day and each night before we go to bed we say goodnight because Mike put special lighting on the tree so we can see it sway in the wind so beautifully. I highly recommend planting a tree or creating a space for any lost child. I can go sit under the tree and feel like she is a part of our life in some real way, and we can enjoy her even tho she is not here.
Here is the only photo of me pregnant with Maya.