Sunday, October 4, 2009
I'm not sure if everyone who reads this blog will get the humor in this "joke" of a Hallmark card. My friend Bree (who I met thru a support group) sent it to me from another blog (http://www.lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com/) and we thought it was HILARIOUS. The main point being that it did make us laugh - so that is a good thing. It is probably humor that only those who've lost babies can understand...but I think there could actually be a business in making these cards. The trouble is, it's a card you'd only want to get from those who have also lost a baby. It just wouldn't be funny to come from someone who has not lost a baby - especially because they are the ones who seem to think that yes, the fact that we can now drink again will make us feel any better for losing a baby. Sorry guys, but wine is not a good trade for a baby. Turns out nothing is.
It is hard that our life has changed so much in the last year. It's always hard to want something you can't have, but it's even harder when you thought you had it and then it was taken away from you. It makes it especially hard to see everyone around you getting what they want and not having to go through the same pain. It's also difficult to lose the sense of happiness of pregnancy. I'm not looking forward to being pregnant again. I actually told my doctor I want to keep my head at home and send my body for the ultrasounds. But generally, I just don't want anything to do with the entire process. I find that sad - to have lost the joy of the experience.
So don't be looking for any "news" from us anytime soon. Even when we do decide to cross that bridge again, we certainly won't be sharing the news. It will be hard enough to try not to stress about it all every moment of every day - knowing others are thinking about it too would just be too much. Especially when no one else is thinking about what we don't have in our arms right now. That's the other sad piece - how completely isolating this experience is. Friends and family stop reaching out after the first month or two - and then they think you should be over it and back to your old self. It's never over...it just takes different shapes and forms. You always lost a baby. You've always had more pregnancies than children. And you are NEVER the same as you were before this experience. So the only people who can even be a part of your new life are the ones who can recognize that you "need" to be different. That you're going to have some shi**y moments and times and they'll accept you for that.