I'm having a really rough week. I felt the need to come here and write. I feel that the only people I can really talk to are people who have lost their own babies so I will write instead of reaching out to anyone right now. I don't know what happened, but the loss of this last year is hitting me really hard right now. Our computer crashed this week and we've lost everything. We may be able to get it back after spending lots of money but I'm not sure if we'll do that or not. I feel like I keep getting kicked around while I'm down and I've tried to just put on a brave face and keep moving forward, but right now I don't feel like doing that. Of course, as usual, I don't have much time to just sit in sorrow. All day is spent with Kaelyn (we're working on potty training right now so it's quite time consuming) and we are going away with friends this weekend. So maybe that's why I'm writing - to try to get this all out.
I keep realizing all of the things that are on our computer and now gone. One of the big ones is a poem I wrote for Liliana. I wanted to post it to this blog but wasn't ready. I never shared it with anyone and therefore I will not be able to get it back. When we lost Maya, I wrote a poem and shared it. But after Liliana, I felt like everyone had already had enough of the strange and unfamiliar grief of losing a baby to a miscarriage. Heck, some people don't think it should be a big deal - it's not like you ever knew the child. But I tell ya what, I have YET to meet anyone who's had a miscarriage or lost a child at any point who does not have the same feelings that I do. So I know I'm not odd - only unfamiliar to those who have not had to walk in these shoes. If only they really knew how lucky they were. I feel like I'm trapped in a sort of hell. And with two losses behind us, I feel like I'm just in a hampster wheel going around and around.
Anyway, I wanted to include this poem I wrote for Maya on the day before I let her go. It is killing me that I don't have the poem I wrote for Liliana. I'm so mad that I didn't feel that I could share it with anyone, even her own father.
Dear baby, who were you?
Who would you have been?
Would you have been like daddy?
Big brown eyes, the funny guy
A loving man with so much to give?
Or would you have been like mommy?
Baby blues, a strong attitude
A warm heart and a big life to live?
We’ll always wonder and never know
Who you would have grown up to be
But we’ll always have one extra seat at our table
And it’s you there we’ll always see.
As we grow our family number,
We imagine the good and the fun,
But losing you put a halt on our journey
And made us remember to not always run.
You’ll always be our baby
Though we never knew you well
There will be one more number than what people can see
But our love for you we will tell
In our yard you’ll always be seen
In the form of an olive tree
We’ll remember our dream of a little bean
Our baby Maya, our angel, who’ll always be so free
We love you, we miss you,
Keep us safe from high above
You are a special baby
Because you will only know our love
Love mommy, daddy, and your big sister Kaelyn